Emotional Sobriety: Detoxing From the Highs and Lows You Got Addicted To

If you’re sitting there wondering why you still miss someone who made you anxious, exhausted, and constantly second-guessing yourself — let me say this clearly:

You don’t miss them.
You miss the nervous-system chemistry.

Here’s the truth bomb most people won’t say out loud:
This isn’t heartbreak - its withdrawal. 

Missing someone after an emotionally unsafe relationship does not mean you made the wrong decision. It means your body is detoxing from a pattern it learned to depend on.

And yes — that can feel brutal.

🎧 You can listen to the full episode here: Episode 201

The Emotional Addiction No One Talks About

Emotionally abusive or unsafe relationships don’t just hurt emotionally — they rewire the nervous system.

Here’s what actually happens:

• The relationship creates a dopamine–cortisol loop

• High highs → emotional crashes → brief relief → repeat

• Your body learns to equate chaos with connection

That’s not love.
That’s conditioning my friend...and that sucks. I know. 

A familiar scenario

Maybe your ex was sweet for two or three days.
Texting good morning. Being affectionate. Present.

You think, “See? This is who they really are.”

Then something tiny sets them off — like the dishwasher being loaded “wrong.”
Suddenly you’re confused. Apologizing. Walking on eggshells. Trying to fix a problem you didn’t even create.

Your nervous system doesn’t experience this as danger at first.
It experiences it as contrast.

Relief after pain feels powerful. And power feels like attachment.

A belief shift worth sitting with

If you believe you miss love, that’s like saying you miss a casino because you won once.

What you’re actually missing is the hit — not the house.

Why You Crave Intensity After Abuse

After emotional abuse, calm doesn’t feel safe to you.
It feels unfamiliar. Which the brain associates with danger!!!

And the nervous system hates unfamiliar and ecpecially wants to keep you out of danger. 

Here’s why intensity becomes addictive:

• Intensity creates clarity — even if when it's painful

• Calm feels flat or boring after chaos

• The nervous system would rather predict pain than risk uncertainty...this is just wiring...

Your body learned, “At least I know where I stand when things are intense.”

What this looks like in real life

You might notice that peaceful people feel “boring.”
Or “too easy.”

You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.
No yelling. No withdrawing. No proving your worth.

So your system stays on edge — not because something is wrong, but because nothing is.

Another belief shift

If you believe chemistry means intensity, that’s like saying a fire alarm going off means the house is warm.

No.
It means something’s wrong. And it's time to figure it out before the house burns down!

The Boring Phase: When Healing Feels Wrong (But Isn’t)

This is the phase no one prepares you for.

Emotional sobriety doesn’t feel amazing at first.
It feels dull.

Here’s what’s actually happening:

• Your nervous system is recalibrating

• There’s grief for the chaos

• Adrenaline is leaving your body

A member inside my Radiate & Rise community once said:

“I don’t feel excited anymore — did I lose my spark?”

She didn’t lose her spark.
She lost the adrenaline.

And that’s not a loss. That’s recovery.

Common feelings during this phase

• Restlessness

• Doubting your decision

• Romanticizing the past

• Wanting something to happen just to feel alive

This isn’t a sign to go back.
It’s a sign your system is learning a new baseline.

Why You Think You Miss Them (But Don’t)

Withdrawal messes with memory.

When the nervous system is craving regulation, the brain starts editing the story.

You don’t remember the cost.
You remember the relief.

Your body isn’t missing them.
It’s missing the pattern.

The mental replay trap

You don’t replay the nights you cried in the bathroom.
You replay the one weekend they were kind.

That’s not clarity.
That’s withdrawal talking.

Another belief shift

If you believe missing someone means they were right for you, that’s like believing a hangover means the party was healthy.

Emotional Sobriety: What It Actually Looks Like

Emotional sobriety looks like:

• Choosing steadiness over stimulation & chaos

• Feeling grounded without drama

• Letting your body reset its baseline so you understand what it's supposed to feel like

A client said to me recently:

“I finally realized I don’t want excitement — I want peace.”

That didn’t come from willpower.
It came from addressing the nervous-system cravings underneath.

Important reframes

• Calm ≠ boring

• Peace ≠ settling

• Stability ≠ lack of passion

Your body just hasn’t learned that yet.

Detox Support: Belief Shifts for the Withdrawal Phase

When cravings hit, logic won’t save you.
But repetition helps.

Try these — out loud if you can:

• “This discomfort is evidence of detox, not a sign I should go back.”

• “My body is learning a new normal.”

• “I am not missing love — I am missing intensity.”

• “Peace feels unfamiliar because chaos trained me, not because peace is wrong.”

You’re retraining a system that learned survival, not safety.

Why Willpower Isn’t Enough (And What Actually Works)

You cannot logic your way out of a nervous-system addiction.

Reading more. Blocking harder. Staying busy.
That’s management — not healing.

Real healing means understanding why chaos felt safe in the first place.

That’s exactly what we uncover on a Root Cause Call — not just what you left, but why your system bonded to it so deeply.

When the root pattern is addressed, the cravings lose their grip.

Ready for Support? Book a Root Cause Call

If you’re in this detox phase — missing someone you know wasn’t good for you — don’t white-knuckle this alone.

Book a free Root Cause Call with me. 

We’ll identify the subconscious patterns driving the craving so you don’t relapse emotionally or repeat this dynamic again.

You don’t need more strength.
You need understanding.

And once your nervous system gets that, the pull loses its power.

Final Thought

You’re not broken for craving what hurt you.
You’re healing — and healing has withdrawal symptoms.

Stay the course. Ask for support when you need it!