10 Signs It Wasn’t You — It Was Emotional Abuse

10 Signs It Wasn’t You — It Was Emotional Abuse

If you've ever walked away from a toxic relationship wondering, Was I the problem? — this is for you.

Emotional abuse isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t always come with yelling or broken dishes. Sometimes it looks like shrinking your needs, tiptoeing around someone’s moods, or losing your sense of self little by little.

When you're with someone who manipulates, controls, or invalidates you emotionally, you start believing that you are the reason things felt so hard.

Let’s untangle that belief—because the truth is, it wasn’t you.
Here are 10 signs it was emotional abuse.

1. You Constantly Over explained Yourself

Not because you’re dramatic or long-winded—because you were trying to avoid being misunderstood, misquoted, or punished. That’s not “communication anxiety”—that’s self-protection.

2. You Felt Like You Needed a Script

Before bringing up any issue, you rehearsed every word in your head. You tried to guess how they’d twist it. That isn’t just overthinking—it’s bracing for impact.

3. You Apologized for Things You Didn’t Do

“I’m sorry” became your default—even when it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t seeking attention or approval. You were just trying to diffuse the tension.

4. You Felt Drained After Every Conversation

You weren’t “too sensitive.” You were being subtly criticized, deflected, and emotionally invalidated—conversation after conversation. Of course you were exhausted.

5. You Second-Guessed Your Memory

You started wondering, Did that really happen? or Maybe I did overreact.
That’s not forgetfulness. That’s gaslighting at work—reprogramming your reality.

6. You Stopped Sharing Your Needs or Desires

Not because you’re easygoing—but because you were trained to believe your needs were too much.
For me, this showed up through financial abuse.

I was made to feel “greedy” for wanting things—told that spending money on myself would delay my husband’s retirement. That it was his money, even though I was raising our kids, running a side business, and holding the household together.

So I stopped asking. I became a DIYer out of necessity. I made furniture from Craigslist finds and Goodwill pieces—repainting, reupholstering, and breathing new life into discarded things. I told myself I was being frugal and creative.

But really? I was afraid to be seen as a burden.
I had been manipulated into silence around my needs. That’s not frugality. That’s fear.
That’s financial abuse.

7. You Felt Guilty for Feeling Hurt

If you were told you were “too sensitive,” or that you were making it about you, then your emotions were being invalidated—over and over. That’s not feedback. That’s emotional abuse.

8. You Had to “Be in a Good Mood” to Avoid Their Moods

You managed their emotions like it was your job—smiling, suppressing, over-performing joy. That’s walking on eggshells, not your personality.

9. You Questioned Your Worth — But Only After Meeting Them

If your self-esteem crumbled in the relationship but was fine before it, that’s not your insecurity showing. That’s what emotional abuse does: it slowly erodes your sense of value.

10. You Can’t Explain What Went Wrong — But You Felt Broken

Abuse doesn’t always leave physical bruises. Sometimes it leaves emotional scars you can’t even name. If your soul felt bruised… that’s all the proof you need.

You Didn’t Imagine It. You Survived It.

If these signs feel painfully familiar, I want you to hear this:

You didn’t overreact. You didn’t make it up. You didn’t fail.

You were doing your best to survive something you didn’t know how to name. And now that you can name it, you can start to release it.

Inside my Radiate and Rise community and 1:1 coaching program Emotional Healing Mastery, I help women just like you unlearn the patterns that abuse created and rewire their beliefs at the subconscious level—so they can finally feel free again.

Listen to the full Podcast Episode on this topic!

You are not broken.
You're not too much.
You’re allowed to rise.

Rise up! 

Allison